it seems that every girl dreams and plans her wedding day starting when she's practically still in diapers. well, i was never that girl. i really didn't even think about my wedding until after it was already over. something that i look back on now and wish went differently, but someday i hope i can just remember and laugh about.

looking back, i don't really even remember feeling anything on our wedding day. i was blocking any emotion so that i wouldn't feel what i was afraid to. that i wasn't ready. i had it imprinted in my mind that if i loved sammy, i would have to marry him as soon as possible. honestly, i wasn't ready for that. sammy and i have talked about this on many different occasions and we both really wish we would have waited. something that you learn and most definitely grow from. in a way, i believe this made us stronger in the earlier parts of our marriage, having been able to talk about this and feel the same way. it was never a doubt in either of our minds that we would marry eachother. we already knew that without any reservations. we just weren't ready to get married as soon as we did.

i remember while i was packing up my room a few days before the wedding, i stopped to gaze into my "little closet," a small cubby hole built in the wall a few feet off the ground in my room . the little closet had been the reason why i chose this room when we moved in and it had served as a variety of different entertainments throughout my years at home. as i looked into then, i started remembering it's different purposes over the years and the memories i had made in it. I don't know why, there was no significant reason, but that closet made me realize i wasn't ready for this. when it hit me, fears overwhelmed me. i knew i would never be able to tell the love of my life or my future family that i couldn't do this yet, that i needed more time, because i was worried they wouldn't understand the reason. i loved sammy more than anything in the world but i needed more time to be me, to spend actual time with my mom planning the wedding (instead of just over the phone), to talk to my savior and help me sort through all the fears i was dealing with. however, my fear of being misunderstand trumped every other feeling and i decided to tell myself to feel nothing. to worry about everyone else. make sure everyone was happy and not to worry about how i felt, because it would just bring heartache to the ones i loved.

so that's what i did. i made myself become numb. if someone asked me what the church looked like on our wedding day, all i could tell them is what i see in pictures. i have racked my brain time and time again to remember what it looked like, but i come up blank. i don't remember saying my vows. i don't remember my dad walking me up the aisle to give me away. i don't remember what sammy's face looked like when i first walked in wearing my gown. i'll never be able to cherish memories of getting to go shopping with my mom for flower girl dresses or picking out the perfect decorations. i didn't have my best friends, the ones who had always been there for me and always would, standing up next to me on what was supposed to be the best day of my life. so i let the numbness take over all emotions, memories, and experiences from that ceremony.

there were times that i can remember slipping from behind my protective screen, just about losing it. one was when my older brother came down to talk to me right before the ceremony started. i promised myself i wasn't going to cry. i hate crying. i hate people seeing me cry and it irritates the crap out of me when i get stuck around a whole bunch of cry babies. it's just something i've never been able to stand. but when kel came into the room... i lost it. my brother would do anything for me and likewise i know he would do anything for sammy. he loves sammy just as much as he loves his own sister and it's never been as if he was losing me. kelvin was just thrilled to death to be gaining another brother. there is nothing more comforting to me than knowing my family loves sammy and care about him as much as they love and care about me. it's been so fun seeing how both my brothers have really become friends with sammy, too, involving them in their lives and treating him as though he was always a part of this family. there is nothing more comforting to me then to watch the guys most important in my life grow closer together. i couldn't ask for more.

so looking back, maybe i did wish things would have gone alittle differently, but then i always remember the most important thing about all of this. no matter if it was earlier than i would have liked, i got what i wanted the most - the most incredibly amazing guy on the face of the earth. everything seems pretty irrelevant when i think of how much sammy loves me, because that's all that really matters. i got my baby and am blessed more than i deserve. this alone couldn't make me any happier and nothing else matters. i'm in bliss. :)