this is me.

i've always been passionate. much of everything else stems from that little acknowledgement. when i feel strongly about something, i stick by it. this has always been a good and bad thing. good when i'm right, terribly horrible when i'm wrong... and yes, i can admit that i am wrong. pride is something i think should be thrown into the deepest darkest pit in existence. there's no place for it.. but since i can't control any other, apart from myself, i just make sure to leave it out of my own personality. i love people. i pray for compassion. i want to be one of those people who only have nice things to say about other human beings... negativity and seeing the faults in others causes nothing but hurt.. when said in any shape or form. and i honestly don't see myself fit to talk badly about others. am i perfect? certainly not. i long for real relationships. not ones that are purely platonic... i want people to be straight with me. if they need to talk to me about something, i would so rather them come to me than go to someone else to vent about how they feel about me. i want to know those who are real. those who are willing to actually say how they feel. those who will love me and want to get to know me for who i am as a person. i am not out to change people. that isn't my job... i am called, as we all are, to love and show christ's love to everyone. when my love isn't enough.. that's when the holy spirit takes over. i enjoy the simplicity of life. i enjoy being who god meant for me to be. i love spontaniuty and doing things i wouldn't normally think about doing. i enjoy being with my family. a close family friend once compared the haidle clan as close of a comparison to "the garden of eden" as you could get on earth. the presence of our lord is so overwhelming during the times we are together that it is the most precious and powerful entity that i experience. my family loves the lord. and we are rare in today's world. but all of this is nothing without him. he is why we are. i've never had an obsession for worldly things. i started wearing fun clothes and make-up in junior high, but it never became an idol. such beauty is only skin deep, temporary, and insignificant.. so why waste so much time and energy perfecting something that means so little in the long run? my past, like everyone had told me would happen, still comes up to haunt me in the present. i'm a firm believer in talking things out... and so thankful my husband is willing to listen to me in those times. i talk to sammy about everything. there is nothing we don't share. we're a team... a duo. not a dictator and a slave. i'm not ashamed to say we argue. i'm not afraid to tell people we have or differences... because through those hard times is when we grow the closest. a relationship without hardships is surface. i hate surface. there is no depth, no "agape" love, no pure affection in surface. my main goal in life is to live for my god and my savior. when i eat, it's for him. when i breath, it's for him. when i sleep, it's for him.. and everything in between, is for him. i don't want a faith that shows up every sunday and disappears half-way through the week. i don't want to have strong words with no backup to my actions. i want a faith that can move mountains, give me unspeakable peace, and help turn others to my god. i want everyone to know that my intentions for this life are that and that alone. i will mess up... and i will forget my way at times... but my heart longs for jesus... and it wants to do everything in my power to follow him. my beliefs... my actions.. my convictions come from him. i've got the strongest thing on my side. who can stand between us?

no more words to describe the feelings in my body right now..

when all you have to live for is today, foolishness is the key to my insanity. when you understand eternity is what's inevitably waiting around the corner- it makes perfect sense.

a woman and her child die because she will not denounce the foundation for her existence. foolish woman! you have a child. what have you done? come the screams of bitter people who see nothing but this abhorrently known reality. unseen, unheard is the ultimately subliminal reality... eternity. the woman unconcerned with this life peacefully accepts that god knows her situation. he knows her baby's ultimate feat. in light of the most awful of circumstances she finds one perpetual sense.... peace. Only peace in such a time can come from god. i want a faith like that. to lose myself completely... to find peace in my downfall on this earth... to fully understand and accept the destination for which i am to be placed after this short life in the only hell i know will end.

i am spoiled. i am an american. i am free. and yet i have no idea what that means... other than it has taught me that i don't need god. i have life, luxury, and happiness placed into the palm of my hand without even trying. my freedoms have desensitized me so that i do not need my god for every aspect of my life. i eat because it's laid in front of me. i read one of my ten bibles when i find the time outside of my selfish lifestyle. i sleep soundly. i have no fear. i work because i want to. i spend 99% of my time on me and what i want and use the other 1% feeling bad about the things i should be doing instead. i have never experienced severe loss. i don't understand and could care less about the reality that about to hit me and this country who have so dearly turned their backs on god.

the most thriving churches in the world are those in which have no freedoms to worship and hold the relationships in which they so direly want to possess. yet we as americans have every opportunity to worship... to lead... to help save.. be the hands and feet... and yet we sleep in on sundays... we are afraid to talk about christ because of the fear of what people might think of us..... we judge and shove criticism in everyone's face instead of being christlike - which is the foundation of our calling. shame on us. shame on freedom.

there will come a day when god will throw down his wrath on this country. i say - let it come. we need a serious wake up call.. we need to NEED our savior. if losing our freedoms is how we get revival... bring it on.

inspired by pastor dean haidle's words of godly wisdom

it seems that every girl dreams and plans her wedding day starting when she's practically still in diapers. well, i was never that girl. i really didn't even think about my wedding until after it was already over. something that i look back on now and wish went differently, but someday i hope i can just remember and laugh about.

looking back, i don't really even remember feeling anything on our wedding day. i was blocking any emotion so that i wouldn't feel what i was afraid to. that i wasn't ready. i had it imprinted in my mind that if i loved sammy, i would have to marry him as soon as possible. honestly, i wasn't ready for that. sammy and i have talked about this on many different occasions and we both really wish we would have waited. something that you learn and most definitely grow from. in a way, i believe this made us stronger in the earlier parts of our marriage, having been able to talk about this and feel the same way. it was never a doubt in either of our minds that we would marry eachother. we already knew that without any reservations. we just weren't ready to get married as soon as we did.

i remember while i was packing up my room a few days before the wedding, i stopped to gaze into my "little closet," a small cubby hole built in the wall a few feet off the ground in my room . the little closet had been the reason why i chose this room when we moved in and it had served as a variety of different entertainments throughout my years at home. as i looked into then, i started remembering it's different purposes over the years and the memories i had made in it. I don't know why, there was no significant reason, but that closet made me realize i wasn't ready for this. when it hit me, fears overwhelmed me. i knew i would never be able to tell the love of my life or my future family that i couldn't do this yet, that i needed more time, because i was worried they wouldn't understand the reason. i loved sammy more than anything in the world but i needed more time to be me, to spend actual time with my mom planning the wedding (instead of just over the phone), to talk to my savior and help me sort through all the fears i was dealing with. however, my fear of being misunderstand trumped every other feeling and i decided to tell myself to feel nothing. to worry about everyone else. make sure everyone was happy and not to worry about how i felt, because it would just bring heartache to the ones i loved.

so that's what i did. i made myself become numb. if someone asked me what the church looked like on our wedding day, all i could tell them is what i see in pictures. i have racked my brain time and time again to remember what it looked like, but i come up blank. i don't remember saying my vows. i don't remember my dad walking me up the aisle to give me away. i don't remember what sammy's face looked like when i first walked in wearing my gown. i'll never be able to cherish memories of getting to go shopping with my mom for flower girl dresses or picking out the perfect decorations. i didn't have my best friends, the ones who had always been there for me and always would, standing up next to me on what was supposed to be the best day of my life. so i let the numbness take over all emotions, memories, and experiences from that ceremony.

there were times that i can remember slipping from behind my protective screen, just about losing it. one was when my older brother came down to talk to me right before the ceremony started. i promised myself i wasn't going to cry. i hate crying. i hate people seeing me cry and it irritates the crap out of me when i get stuck around a whole bunch of cry babies. it's just something i've never been able to stand. but when kel came into the room... i lost it. my brother would do anything for me and likewise i know he would do anything for sammy. he loves sammy just as much as he loves his own sister and it's never been as if he was losing me. kelvin was just thrilled to death to be gaining another brother. there is nothing more comforting to me than knowing my family loves sammy and care about him as much as they love and care about me. it's been so fun seeing how both my brothers have really become friends with sammy, too, involving them in their lives and treating him as though he was always a part of this family. there is nothing more comforting to me then to watch the guys most important in my life grow closer together. i couldn't ask for more.

so looking back, maybe i did wish things would have gone alittle differently, but then i always remember the most important thing about all of this. no matter if it was earlier than i would have liked, i got what i wanted the most - the most incredibly amazing guy on the face of the earth. everything seems pretty irrelevant when i think of how much sammy loves me, because that's all that really matters. i got my baby and am blessed more than i deserve. this alone couldn't make me any happier and nothing else matters. i'm in bliss. :)

simple request

jesus,
please let me sleep tonight.
i haven't gotten a lot of it recently and for the well being of the people around me, i ask with the highest sincerity to allow me to sleep somewhere around eight hours or so.
everyone will be thanking you tomorrow.
i really appreciate it.

to do.. lots to do...

1.) sleep more than 3 hours, preferably without sleeping pills that make me groggy and grumpy
2.) take a whole day to read
3.) spend more time chatting with my savior
4.) find a patch of grass without those little, irritating bugs and lie there making faces out of clouds
5.) get up early enough to capture beauty in the sunset with my rebel
6.) laugh so hard that my stomach muscles ache for days (common occurrence in the haidle house, but something you can never get enough of)
7.) accomplish p90x for a whole week, never complain, and actually enjoy doing it (all of which would make kelvin extremely proud)
8.) steal sammy away to go watch the stars in the country
9.) become an amazingly flexible dancer and make top 20 on "so you think you can dance"
10.) never ever watch another sappy movie in my life
11.) keep my mind on happy thoughts
12.) learn to be compassionate in every circumstance
13.) invent an all-in-one cleaning machine so i never have to pick up a broom, vacuum, or toilet brush ever again... ever.... again... ever
14.) read minds
15.) fly... flying would be amazing. even for a few seconds. "sammy! we have to go skydiving!"
16.) spend a considerable amount of time in israel, venice, london, ireland, seattle, and new york
17.) starbucks?
18.) follow through with the things i assuredly tell myself i have to get done the night before i have to do them (is it possible to trick yourself?)
19.) write a novel
20.) make photography speak vocally (oooohh... foreshadowing here, folks)
21.) eat a fudge-sickle.. brb
22.) take a road trip to the oregon coast - sit on the beach -read all day
23.) befriend an enemy
24.) do something completely random
25.) find a new kind of music genre to obsess over
26.) make my mind contemplate life's toughest questions, forcing it to come up with an opinion on these certain (supposed) admissible topics
27.) use the word "pnuemonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcano" in a sentence

thanks

i absorb a great deal of comfort.

small insignificance can mean the world of difference.

my god is here.

he's present... right now.

what can compare?

thanks.

i love you.

mistakes untouched... lessons unlearned...

life throws perfection in your face. happiness abundant. bliss no longer untouchable. contentment brought with the very first blink of every single day. i remember a time when i would wake up, every morning, and feel as though my stomach would collapse on itself. or maybe it was more that some form of acid was slowly eating away at my insides, burning ever so slightly as i would again awake to consciousness, always consuming my first thoughts and burning until i would shut my eyes again. never fully taking over my system. just scolding enough to make a part of me wish for the life that i wasn't living. eventually that part won, to god's amazing grace alone. and here i find myself now. in the shadow of grace. under the umbrella of pure impeccability. contentment no longer a searched for ability or desire. then why the heck do i mess things up for the sake of what once was? why does my selfishness, stubbornness, and lack of compassion arise inside against my better judgement. i could easily blame it on being human. but i'm tired of excuses. if only one was to abolish these traits, forever burying them in the sea, far under the moving currents which could possibly bring them back to shore, but rather burying them so far beneath the surface that they would no longer be able to touch my wavering mind. if only one could abandon these immoral traits forever. life would be so much easier. but is it through these things, this actions, these emotional abilities that we learn? firmly believing in the ever presence of my savior, i question whether it is possibly that these too are used for his subliminal purpose? i don't doubt it, but my understanding is not capable of seeing an exclusive point, other than to make the ones i love most miserable. but not miserable in the way that i deserve. perfection has no blame. that's what i hate the most about it. the needing to be blamed on my end is never fulfilled. but i do need that. i need to know that i am terrible, that i have committed some atrocity that could only be forgiven through my groveling to the highest extent of my ability as a human being. make me suffer. hold me accountable. how does one ever learn without consequence? without hurt, defeat, abandonment, fear? without these strong emotions, we may be scared to avoid actions only for a short time until we forget the way we previously felt and fall right back into what we were doing before. hurt is inevitable. mistakes are unavoidable. needing to learn for them is high priority.

going....going... GONE! (when it starts running)

Sammy's current project. really excited for this one to get finished. :)

why am i so blessed?

i have the most amazing husband in the world. period.

we were in line for a dr. suess ride at universal studios the other day and my attention was drawn to an exotic looking young couple. adorable couple, but when i started looking closer, the guy was making ridiculous, disgusting comments about other girls, right in front of his girl. what the heck? it's so sad, but this is not the only time i've seen this. it happens, pretty much anywhere you go.

it breaks my heart to see girls go through this for some guy that totally isn't worth it because i know how much better it could be. my husband is the epitome of perfection compared to these guys. he treats me so much better than i deserve to be treated. he's there, always in the good times and my unfortunate grumpy, grouchy, selfish, immature, and ridiculous times. how did i get so blessed? i really dont know. god's good and so is my unbelievable husband. all i can say.

i love him.

VAYCACION - Orlando nearly stole my heart.

Every summer, my family has the opportunity to go somewhere spectacular and hang out together. This year, we're in Orlanda, Florida... a beautiful, very warm, and humid area. We're having an amazing time and I got a chance to shoot a little while we've been here. :)

New City. New Home. New Life!

Our new apartment in Billings.
1st - Master Bedroom
2nd - Entry way, hang out area
3rd - Guest room
4th - New Kitchen (New floors and counter tops)
5th - One of three bathrooms
6th - Funky Fireplace
7th - Living Room

Pride? Yuck!

hum⋅ble 
–adjective
1.
not proud or arrogant; modest
2.
having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.:
3.
low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin;
4.
courteously respectful
5.
low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

–verb (used with object)
6.
to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.
7.
to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
8.
to make meek: to humble one's heart.

My parents always tried to view their children through humble eyes and really see us the way God saw us - what's 'inside' taking priorty. Going with what we were always taught, we learned to do the same and never make fun of or criticize those different from us, in any manner, because we are all different and beautiful in God's eyes. We were taught to realize that God loves all of us and we are no better than any other human being; we are all equal in God's eyes and should love everyone as God loves us.

I think that humility was probably the most important quality my parents taught us, other than living for Christ. The Christian religion is based around this particular principle. Our lives are to reflect those of our Savior, and who was more humble than Jesus?

I realize that I am nothing without my God. I fall so short of ever receiving blessing from Him and do not deserve everything he's already done for me. I pray that I will never get to the point where I see myself as a righteous creature and never forget that the good in me comes from God and God only.


"Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom" - Proverbs 11:2

"Pride leads to arguments; those who take advice are wise." - Proverbs 13:9

".. But someone is coming soon who is far greater than I am - so much greater that I am not even worthy to be his slave." - John the Baptist, Matthew 3: 11

"... And all of you, serve each other in humility for 'God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble.'" - 1 Peter 5:5

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you." - 1 Peter 5:6

2 Samuel 7:18-17 (David, man after God's own heart, shows his radical humility)

Imaging+Pretty Dress+Gorgeous Man= So Much Fun

So! I'm taking this amazing photography class.. enjoying it thoroughly and this week's project consists of personal portraiture's. I decided to take this assignment as an opportunity to mess around with my wedding dress (and my amazing husband, previously pictured. yum!) We had a good ol' time. My husband makes such an amazing model and he's such a good sport about letting me use him. I am mediocrely happy with the outcomes and decided to post a taste. whatcha think? whatcha think?

why i will not let my seven year old wear makeup

so, i watched the "little miss perfect" show on television for the first time today. morbidly, i found it very hilarious. Who knew mothers could be so.. um... ridiculous? Regardless, it's entertaining. It also made me think about my future girls (if we ever do actually want kids.. still up for major debate) and how that show pretty much confirms why i don't want them wearing makeup at such a young age. children need to be worried about being children. you'll get to deal with makeup, boys, major mood swings, and sassiness soon enough. why rush your girls into it? also, in today's day and age... girls are pushed to be sexual as soon as possible. hello? not good, people. not good. why open the doors for your young babes and push them down that road? stupid.

no offense to "pageant people" and whoever else thinks it's okay, i personally just think its ludicrous.

who the heck talks about this anyways?

wait.. its three in the morning.

excitement overflowing

well this is exhilarating.

my first post.

hmmmm..........

what to write.. what to write...

i'm coming up empty.
might as well just post a picture of my gorgeous husband.
enjoy, enjoy... we all can't be that good lookin'.